Many thanks to http://www.cheapertranscripts.com/ !!! You're free to use the script since it got already paid. The last 7 sentences (the last 4 parts: BS/J/BS/J) got transcribed by byte herself. ;-) (Brent Spiner enters the ""Jolinda"" green room) Brent Spiner [BS]: Hi... this is the ""Jolinda"" green room, right? Unidentified Speaker 1 [US1]: Yup, you're in the right place! There's tea and soft drinks. BS: Thanks. Unidentified Speaker 2 [US2]: Woah... aren't you Brent Spiner? BS: Yes, I am. Hi. US2: And you're here for... You're doing this show today? BS: Well, yeah. Are you guys doing the show? I'm sorry, I don't recognize either of you. US1: Does this help you? BS: Yes. Yes it does. US2: I'm the spokesperson for NAMBLA, North American Man Boy Love Association. BS: So... that's Canada too, right? US2: Yeah, all of North America. BS: And what are you promoting? US2: Legalizing sexual relationships between a man and a boy as young as eight. BS: Okay. Well, I think I have you guys down. US1: Maybe you don't. We're re-branding things right now, really pushing to amp up membership. I would love to talk to you about the new Klan. Oh, but first, are you of the Hebraic persuasion, sir? BS: Why? US2: Sir? You're gonna call this guy, ""sir?"" This is Brent Spiner, the guy who- US1: Sweet blue-eyed Jesus! You're the guy that everybody hates! US2: You see what's going on here, don't you? They want to make us look bad by lumping us in with this guy. BS: What, are you kidding me? You... don't want to share a stage with me? US1: I'm out of here. Nothing personal, it's just I'm on real thin ice right now. I said that Tiger Woods was a hell of a golfer, and suddenly people yell, ""Race traitor!"" everywhere I go. US2: And I'm in the same boat, okay? I called Justin Bieber a little past his prime. I mean, come on, would you look at the guy? BS: Woah, wait wait wait wait. You guys, come on, don't go. This is my shot to redeem myself on national television. They're going to cancel the show! You've gotta stay. US2: Sorry, I can't help you. US1: You're on your own. BS: Oh, wait wait wait wait! What if I took it in my hands to say nice things about your group, huh? How would you like- ...What am I saying? Damnit, damnit, damnit! Damnit! So close! Jolinda! Larry [L]: Valerie's Psychic Hotline and Talent Management. BS: Larry, hey, it's Brent. This ""Jolinda"" thing is a disaster. Let me talk to Valerie. L: She went out. BS: Oh, great. Well have her call me back when- Wait, she went out? She doesn't go out, where is she? L: She went out to look for Tommy. He left a note- Brent, things are getting crazy up in here. Dakota wants- wait, hold on. BS: Wait, Larry- L: I'm doing like fifty things at once. BS: Larry, what's going on there? [Jolinda enters] Jolinda [J]: What the hell is going on here? BS: What do you mean? J: Where's my Klan guy? Where's my pedophile?! What did you say to them? BS: I didn't say- just one second. [into phone] Larry- L: Brent, things are crazy here, okay? Things are falling apart all around me, I really think someone's gonna die! BS: Gotta go, buddy. [to Jolinda] You know, I don't know why they left. Maybe stomach flu or stage fright? Maybe they were intimidated by your beauty. J: Oh save it! You drove them off, that much is clear. What did you do, tell them ""Broadway"" stories? BS: Hah! We just... chatted. Current events, the weather, then they got scared for some reason. J: So here I am, with a show about to tape, and only one guest. Well played, Spiner, you're a real manipulator! BS: I didn't do anything. J: Oh, right! They just decided out of the blue not to be on my show?! What do you take me for? BS: ...What happens next? J: Congratulations, Spiner, it's you the whole show! Better be good. BS: What? You're kidding, I get the whole hour? Well that's fantastic, that's just like my dreams. J: Save it for the show! Do not leave this room, I'll have the Make-Up come in here. BS: Don't worry, I'll be great, I'll meditate! [begin dream sequence] J: And we're back. We're talking with Brent Spiner about his upcoming real-life appearance on this very show. Welcome, Brent! BS: Thank you, Jolinda. I'm really looking forward to clearing my name. J: Don't clear it too fast, we have to kill an hour! BS: Well how about this, how about I clear my name in the first half-hour, and then I blow your audience away with some of Broadway's most beloved showtunes. How's that sound? J: That sounds like a big, ""Yes!"" But remember, they are figments of your imagination. BS: Well that's true, but that doesn't make them any less amazing! [to audience] Come on, let's have a hand for yourselves! J: Brent, a serious question, if I may. BS: Sure. J: Let's say you're able to clear your good name, that you're able to wipe out the incident from the culture's collective memory once and for all. BS: Ooh, I like this question, let's say that. J: Let's say all that. Then what? BS: Well, then I go back to acting in movies and television, theater. I start going to fabulous restaurants again, I buy myself a little ""swanky-enda"" [sp] in the Hollywood Hills, and then my life is very, very good until I die. J: That sounds like a great life... for you. BS: What's that supposed to mean? J: The first thing you'll do is get a new manager, right? BS: Well, yeah! Preferably someone who can speak to studios and not ghosts and gremlins! J: She was so happy you went with her. BS: Well that was the only option I had at the time. J: Oh, so now that you have options, the people who stood by you are thrown away in favor of the people who abandoned you. BS: Well, no! She'll still be part of ""Team Spiner,"" just in a more suitable capacity, like... travel-booker. J: And your agent, Tommy? What about him? BS: Who cares, he's a jerk! ...What? He's smart, he's ruthless, he'll be fine. J: He's a wreck. He hates himself. He thinks of himself as a freak, and compensates by humiliating everyone around him. You're okay with him destroying himself, and maybe taking some other people with him? BS: No, of course not, Jolinda. But come on, he's an agent! He's not going to destroy himself over the unrequited love of an aspiring porn star! J: Yes, Dakota. Where is she? BS: Dakota's... great! She's finally rid of her verbally abusive boyfriend, she's dating a billionaire now. J: Where is she, Brent? BS: Probably in Bora Bora with Danesh [sp]! J: Didn't Larry say Valerie's out looking for her? BS: Well, yeah, there you go! She's got people around her! J: But Valerie doesn't leave her apartment, Brent. What would it take to get her to leave? BS: You know what, Dakota is just fine. She's investing in tractors or something, she's probably going to be filthy rich. Danesh [sp] is a really smart guy. J: Come on, Brent, billionaires don't take investments from aspiring porn stars. Who was she giving her money to? BS: ...It's her father, isn't it. She's going to give him everything she has because she wants him to be happy. J: Yes, she is. But come on! Let's talk about how awesome your life is going to be now that you're getting away from all these people who've been holding you back. BS: I'm sorry, Jolinda, I have to take a rain check. J: I understand. Do what you need to do, Brent. [end dream sequence] J: Okay, Hair and Make-Up are on their way. I'll introduce the incident and how you ruined you life- BS: I'm sorry, Jolinda, I have to leave. J: Funny. And then after the slide show I'll introduce you- BS: Seriously, I have an emergency, maybe more than one emergency. I have to deal with it. J: You think I got to be Jolinda by allowing other people to decide whether to be on my show or not? You've got a problem, we will talk about it on the air, and I'll make you dig so deep that you cry, and everyone will think that something wonderful just happened! I'm not going to throw up some year-old ""Best of Jolinda"" for you! BS: No, you're going to throw up the ""Best of Jolinda"", because my alien friends mean more to me than your consistently entertaining and informative show. J: What are you doing with that mustard? I AM SHOW-READY!!! Just put the mustard down!!! BS: Things are about going to be a little spicier... J: You just let you off the road, Spiner. YOU HEAR ME, SPINER?!!