Episode 2-05: "La Séance de spiritisme"

 
Many thanks to Cossana for translating the episode into the French language!!!

Scène : L'appartement de Valérie

(Brent pose dans un nouveau costume devant ses amis)

BRENT: (chante pendant qu'il fait voir sa nouvelle veste) Da-dah-da-dah-duh-duh-duh.

DAKOTA: Ohh! C'est vraiment top. (applaudit)

BRENT: Ouais, c'est ce genre-là de mec à succès, tu vois, complètement détendu du mobile. Hein? T'en penses quoi?

VALERIE: (ouvre sa bouche pour répondre)

BRENT: (poursuit) J'ai pas trouvé une cravate qui dise "Amérique, je suis désolé", donc j'ai décidé que ça allait le faire sans.

VALERIE: Pas de cravate? Saddam n'en portait pas et ça les a pas empêché de le pendre avec.

LARRY: Hum. Connasses.

VALERIE: (approuve) Mmm.

LARRY: Ecoute. C'est le show de Jolinda... Brent. Allez. Soyons fous. T'en dis quoi d'un costume pas fourni mais une grosse cravate?

VALERIE: Hum.

BRENT: (réfléchit à la suggestion)

LARRY: ...Une large comme un bavoir.

DAKOTA: Tu vois, je te l'avais dit? Si tu suis tes rêves et tu fais de ton mieux, tout le monde s'arrêtera pour t'aider!

BRENT: Non, ça n'arrivera pas.

VALERIE: (rigole) Chérie, même moi j'y crois pas.

LARRY: (à Dakota) T'es à saupoudrer sur un beignet.

DAKOTA: (grand sourire - rigole)

(Brent s'assoit sur le bras du canapé)

VALERIE: Ha ha ha. Brent, peu importe ce que tu portes. On a besoin de pratiquer un rituel de purification. En tant que manager, je veux te fournir un bon gommage.

BRENT: Valerie, tu ne me suis pas du tout? Je vais participer au show de Jolinda. Ma chance tourne! T'as réussi!

VALERIE: Une toute petite amulette et tu crois que le sort s'est évanoui? Ah non, non, non. Franchement, Brent. La magie ne fonctionne pas comme ça. (elle a soudainement une idée, ouvre la bouche pour attraper l'air). On va faire une séance de spiritisme.

DAKOTA: (excitée) Une séance de spiritisme!

LARRY: Ohh. Comme dans True Blood.

VALERIE: Non. Ca, c'est différent. On va en faire une VRAIE. Y'avait pas de quoi faire sauter une grenouille avec cette connerie de True Blood.

LARRY: (lève la main) Je vais invoquer Lafayette.

VALERIE: Oh. J'aime bien son travail. Il a du talent cet acteur. (regardant Larry) Tu te fous de moi?

LARRY: Non! Je me moque pas, je te jure! Tu sais comme j'ai un complet respect pour tous les trucs abracadabrants que tu fais.

VALERIE: Je suis navrée. C'est qu'il y a tellement de non-croyants aujourd'hui.

DAKOTA: Tout le monde croit en toi, Val.

VALERIE: Ohh.

BRENT: Eh bien... (en regardant ses pieds)

DAKOTA: Quoi?! C'est ton manager, Brent. Comment tu peux douter de ses pouvoirs magiques?

BRENT: Eh bien, rien de personnel, Valérie. Je crois pas aux pouvoirs magiques, c'est tout. Je vais mieux! Les choses s'arrangent!

DAKOTA: Vraiment?

LARRY: Well, he ran into Jolinda and managed to wheedle himself onto her show!

DAKOTA: But his class is more scrotum-focused than I was hoping.

LARRY: What is this class?

VALERIE: Enough. You don’t have to believe in spirits to have them ruin your life. We’re going to have a seance. (she takes Brent’s hand) And that means... everyone.

BRENT: (groans)

Scene: Valerie’s apartment - darkened, with lit candles all around

(our characters sit around a low table - Valerie plays a clear note on the rim of a wine glass)

VALERIE: I am about to summon my spirit guide, Anais, from beyond the veil of death. We may meet others... from decades or even centuries past. So, before I begin, does anyone have to go to the bathroom?

(Dakota looks at Larry - he shrugs)

VALERIE: ...Because, I’m not stopping. (pause) No one?

LARRY: (whispers) I just went.

VALERIE: (deep sigh) Anais!! I summon you from beyond the veil... of death!

LARRY: I’m gay!! In case it comes up. Uh. I have a lot of dead... uh, relatives. Grandparents, great grandparents... and uh... a great uncle, who was a Civil War Colonel and he was from Tennessee, so I know he would have a big problem with my current lifestyle and my relationship with Keshawn. (stares at the ceiling, waits, frightened) But, you know what? To hell with them. Okay, to hell with them! Because, I am proud of myself, and I am proud of who I am, and who I love.

DAKOTA: (claps - nods in approval of Larry’s speech) Yeah.

BRENT: (annoyed) Alright. Come on, we get it. Can we please? (motions for Valerie to continue)

VALERIE: Anais!! Daughter of the Moon... I call you!

DAKOTA: Shouldn’t we be sitting boy, girl, boy, girl?

BRENT: Oh, does that really matter?

VALERIE: Our souls are gender neutral. they have no sex.

LARRY: (laughs) No sex for them, huh?

DAKOTA: Well, I have a past life remembrance where I’m a peasant girl, but I’m wearing boy’s armor, and I’m leading a French army. It’s a little hazy, but I kinda look like the chick from The Fifth Element.

LARRY: Oh, Milla Jovovich.

DAKOTA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BRENT: Oh. Are we kidding ourselves here? I mean, what is Anais? Look. When you’re dead, you’re gone. This life is all you’ve got. Shakespeare said it, "Strut and fret your hour upon the stage, take your bow, and make room for the understudy."

LARRY: Oh, great. Ten years of Hebrew school, wasted.

VALERIE: Everybody who is not me, SHUT UP!! I am trying to talk to a dead person here. Please respect that.

DAKOTA: How did you and Anais meet?

LARRY: (in a Louisiana accent) Let’s just say I have a certain arrangement with a life-challenged individual. (laughs)

(Brent and Valerie give him a blank stare)

LARRY: Lafayette. True Blood. Oh my God, am I the only one watching this show?

VALERIE: Enough!

BRENT: Yeah, uh... everyone, please. Be quiet.

VALERIE: Thank you, Brent.

BRENT: Yeah. Let’s just get this over with and get back to doing some... not crazy things.

LARRY: Yes.

VALERIE: Okay! Seance cancelled.

LARRY: Oh.

VALERIE: (starts to cry) ‘Cause, you people just think this is all a joke.

LARRY: No, Val... I...

DAKOTA: Nooooo, Val... we’re so sorry, please. (looks to Brent - whispers) Brent! Come on.

BRENT: Alright. Yes, we’re sorry. I’m sorry, Val.

VALERIE: (pouts, angry)

BRENT: Sorry. We really want it. Come on, come on. Let’s do it. Larry, you wanna have a seance, don’t you?

LARRY: Yes! Uh-huh, I, I really wanna have a seance, Val. I promise. I’m as... I’m as serious as brunch.

VALERIE: (to Brent) Okay, no more mocking of spirits... (turns to Larry - points)... and NO MORE True Blood references.

DAKOTA: (points at Larry too)

VALERIE: (takes deep breaths) Hear me Anais!! I call to you through the veil of death to guide us in your wisdom. I summon you, Anais!! Your friend among the living... Valerie? I call to you, to aid us. (pauses, waiting)

LARRY: So, how long does this take?

DAKOTA: Shhh! (whispers) I’m so sorry, Val.

VALERIE: (whispers) It takes as long as it takes.

(they wait, hands upraised - Brent begins to moan)

BRENT: Uuaaahhh, aaaaauuhhhhh... aaahhh... thnoookaayaaaaaaaaah!! (he sneezes) Oh! Umm. I’m so sorry. I was, I was trying to hold it in. Larry, are you wearing patchouli?

LARRY: Uh-huh. I make it myself. Hey, since we’re stopped, can I just run to the powder room real quick?

VALERIE: (exasperated) I just asked you not five minutes ago! You sit on it, Golden Eagle!!

LARRY: (very softly) I’m not gonna have another five minutes.

VALERIE: (loudly) I call upon you, Anais, to come and speak with us here!

(a thunder clap sounds and continues to roll)

VALERIE: Come, Anais!!

(a strange noise, like a voice, mingles with the thunder - Brent finally raises his hands too, nervously - a wolf howls in the distance)

VALERIE: She’s sending someone. A messenger.

DAKOTA: She can do that? She must be super powerful!

VALERIE: The door is open. Come through to our side.

(they all wait, hands raised - the thunder continues)

VALERIE: (sniffs) Do you smell that?

LARRY: (nervously) Ah. Ha-ha. Nobody freak out. Nobody freak out... NOBODY FREAK OUT!!

VALERIE: Come! Enter our world and tell us what you can of our fates.

(someone turns on the light switch)

BRENT: (screams) Aaaaaaa-aaah-aahhhh!!

(we see Tommy standing in the doorway - everybody screams again)

TOMMY: Cable go out on you?

DAKOTA: Tommy! You scared the heck out of us!

TOMMY: (walking in) Yeah. Did I, Baby? What’s goin’ on in here? Some kind of weird "Dungeons and Dragons" stuff? You went to that too, Brent?

BRENT: (glares at Tommy)

LARRY: Oh my God. I was freaking out... hard. (laughs, relieved) Wooo! Time for one. Val?

VALERIE: Yes. Athena, yes. (to Tommy) What are you doing here?

TOMMY: I was lookin’ for Brent and I’ve got great news, my friend. I’ve decided to take you on as a client... penis, unseen.

BRENT: (disgusted) What?! Why? (gets up - walks away)

VALERIE: He doesn’t need an agent... he has a manager.

TOMMY: Oh-ho. Really?

(Brent starts to blow out candles, ignoring Tommy)

TOMMY: Well, did his manager get him a meeting tomorrow with an Indian billionaire?

(Brent pauses in mid-blow)

TOMMY: ‘Cause, that’s how his agent rolls. BILLIONAIRE, with a "B" as in "Brent" or in "Booyakasha!!" which is what I said when I set this all up.

BRENT: Wait a minute. First you don’t wanna be my agent, then suddenly, you do. Now a billionaire wants to see me?

TOMMY: Look. Don’t bother pinching yourself, Brent. It’s all true.

BRENT: You’re lying. He called you about me... wha... why would he call you?

TOMMY: Maybe he knows who to call in this town. Or, maybe he left a note on your door and I found it. Who knows how these things happen?

DAKOTA: Tommy, you’re scandalous.

TOMMY: (to her) And you are talking while I’m doing business, so keep that money-maker shut one more second. Brent, do we have an agreement?

BRENT: (opens his mouth to respond)

VALERIE: Don’t do it! He’s evil.

LARRY: Uh... you summoned him.

VALERIE: Wha? (looks at Tommy, back to Larry) Where’s my wine?

TOMMY: Listen, okay... if a meeting with a billionaire doesn’t convince you, how about this? I also got you a job... as an actor.

BRENT: Wha? Uh, you... an acting job? Buh, uh... paying... acting job?

DAKOTA: Things are turning around, Brent!

TOMMY: And I even got a spot in it for my lady as well. (strokes Dakota’s chin)

DAKOTA: Oh, my God, I’m gonna be a "clothes-on actress?!" Like Brent?! (squeals - claps)

TOMMY: You bet your ass baby! And, they don’t even care if you make up all of your lines. Easiest gig in the world.

BRENT: Oh, alright. But, Valerie stays my manager. You are now my agent.

(Brent and Tommy shake hands on the deal)

VALERIE: (rolls her eyes - sips her wine - the spooky, faint sound of wind is heard)

BRENT: Looks like ‘Team Spiner’ just got one bigger.

TOMMY: Right. Who’s Spiner?

BRENT: That’s me. That’s my name!

TOMMY: Right, yes, right! I knew...Yeah, of course, uh. Listen. It’s all good. Just get a good night’s sleep tonight, ‘cause tomorrow, you’re gonna talk to a billionaire... right after the birthday party.

BRENT: I can’t wait to... (his face falls)... birthday party?

Please contact me on my Twitter profile (Click me!) if you want to translate this transcript into this or other languages, too. We will add you to our team then. Many thanks!!!